Dear Work Coach,
I just started working for a boss that screams, not yells, but screams at everyone. You have to walk on eggshells around him until you can figure out his mood. He did to me for the first time last week, and I calmly crossed my arms and leaned on his desk and told him “I know you are having a bad day, but don’t take it out on me.” He quickly calmed down and we walked out of the meeting laughing. However, he continues to scream at everyone, I’m positive it’s only a matter of time before I get it again. Everything depends on his mood!
I am keeping a detailed notebook of his behavior and will turn it over to corporate so they can understand why their place of business is like a revolving door. If that does not help, I will sue the company for pain and suffering. There should be a law about being treated poorly, just like sexual harassment.
I am worried everyday I walk in there and stress out because of this guy. But my husband works there too and he was hired and contracted here, so he could lose his job if I walk. Not sure how much longer I can keep my cool. I am not the type of person to just sit back and take it. I will react and it is only a matter of time.
S
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Hi S!
I am so sorry you have to deal with someone like this! Thanks for sharing your own story with us.
Sounds like you did exactly the right thing when he blew his stack. You didn’t escalate and actually managed to calm things down. But you are also wisely staying aware and documenting. There are bosses who lose their temper a lot, but it sounds like yours is WAAAY over the line. This guy probably needs real anger management help.
I understand that you don’t want to jeopardize your husband’s job, but this kind of stress is not healthy for anyone. I’m hoping there’s a way to at least make thinsg better for yourself.
Your story reminds me of a boss I had who was a screamer – and the company knew it and was fine about it. In fact, he’s been promoted several times since I worked for him. Ugh. He once yelled at me and told me to shut up in a key planning meeting I had called and was running! Since I didn’t want to scream at him (that’s a no win game), I calmly pushed my chair away from the table, told everyone with a smile that I wasn’t feeling well, and left the room. I stayed home the next day (Friday).
When I returned on Monday he apologized profusely. I calmly made sure he understood that I think that’s not the best way to motivate people and, although I couldn’t control him yelling at others (he admitted he had a temper problem), I wasn’t going to accept that for myself. I left about 3 months later because I don’t like working in environments like that – but he never yelled at me again (although he did come close a few times). Unfortunately this is a deeper problem he needs to address for himself and just wanting to change isn’t enough. I would guess the same is true for your boss.
I would hope that your husband’s job is not really contingent on you staying there. If you can, please make sure that’s really the case before resigning yourself to not resigning. 
But if you do need/want to stay, maybe another talk would help. You could ask if you could talk to him privately and then calmly tell him you understand tempers sometimes flare, but also let him know it makes you uncomfortable wondering when you’ll get yelled at next. A smile here would be good to diffuse any tension. Just be real and approach it with an honest desire to make it work for both of you – people get it when you talk down to them. Let him know you want to make it work for both of you, and ask if he has some ideas for ways that you could help keep yourself out of the line of fire. Maybe if you can subtly get him to admit and talk about these screaming fits, he might start to think of ways to at least keep them more in check.
OH…I know people out there are screaming at me saying there’s no way he will change. Probably not. As I said, it’s core stuff and just wanting isn’t going to stop the behavior. But if you can’t stand it and if you are feeling trapped, I would guess it’s better for you to approach it positively and at least try carving out some breathing room for yourself. Just a thought. Up to you of course. Only you know how approachable this guy is!
But if you are worried this could lose both of your jobs, and you don’t feel you can approach Human Resources for help (sometimes they actually can help, but sometimes they only try to pacify you), then your best bet as long as you choose to stay there is to work on ways for YOU not to blow your cool.
Breathing exercises and meditation are useful for lowering your own boiling point. But I think you’ll need more than that! You might want to try visualizing scenes between you and your boss again and again. At first, let yourself blow all the way! Then try doing it again, handling it differently. Keep practicing that visualization, allowing him to just be who he is and remembering it has nothing to do with you. Like Mount St. Helens, he will blow when he needs to and all you can do is back off from the hot lava flow. In fact, you might try imagining his face on a volcano. He blows. You back off. Maybe it will help.
Other than that, all I can say is good luck. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. I always wonder how these bosses live with themselves. Remember…when they go home, they are still there. It always makes me feel better to know I don’t have to be there with them!
I wish you all the best, Sheila. Please let us know what happens. Maybe your advice can help others.
And if anyone else out there has some good suggestions for Sheila, please let us know!
Ronnie Ann
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Note: This post comes from a comment and response found in an other Work Coach post:
My Boss Screams at Me – Is That OK?
You might also want to check out:
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New Work Coach Cafe Policy:
Although I had to stop answering individual questions (to preserve my sanity), as always your thoughts and stories are VERY welcome here.
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I recognize this situation, only for us it’s in reverse.
The employee would have public meltdowns and throw tantrums in the office. It was shocking behavior and my husband, her boss, had no idea how to deal with it. My husband would do just back off and keep his head down until days later when she seemed in a better mood. He wanted to fire her, but he found out she was quitting, so he let nature take it’s course.
No one should have to take that kind of abuse at work. In fact, there are laws against it. It’s called a “hostile work environment”. There’s a great book you can read called Dealing With People You Can’t Stand. It helped a lot in our situation.
There’s more…long story short, we found numerous blogs online she had written after she quit. She wrote horrible lies about us. Really ugly stuff. So I decided to fight fire with fire and blog our side. I don’t know if it helps, or not, but it feels good to get it out sometimes.
Good luck and let me know if the book helps you.
Hi Katy!
Thank you SOOO much for this comment. I’m going to add a link to the book title. I imagine a lot of people could use that help – whether they are a boss or employee.
So sorry you and your husband had to go through all this. But I LOVE that you decided to fight fire with fire. Hah! That’s the way to go. No one should be held hostage by irrational behavior.
Thanks for reminding me that it’s called “hostile work environment”. I will tell you that unfortunately some HR offices are willing to show a LOT of leeway when the bully boss is an up-and-comer (like the one I had), but as far as I’m concerned no one should have to take that kind of treatment. And I am glad you reminded us that bosses have to take a lot of crap too! (I have many stories to tell on that point, but I’ll save them for another day.)
Thanks again for adding your voice to this important conversation. I wish you and your husband only smooth sailing from now on!
Ronnie Ann
Thanks Ronnie
My husband stands up to his boss and the boss turns around and goes away. Aaron says, if you don’t like the way I’m doing my job, you come here and do it and I”ll stand around and watch.
No one else in the company stands up to this guy and none of them get the amount of respect from the boss than my husband does.
Sometimes it pays (pun intended) to stand up for what you believe in – sometimes it gets you fired – but then you can file for unemployment and a whole new life could open at your feet.
I’m a firm believer in any situation in life – DON’T TAKE ABUSE.
As far as having blogging wars with employers and ex-employees, I’d
1. Consider it beneath my level to stoop to someone else’s.
2. Watch my behind because there are laws about slandering and also liabil…(if that’s how you spell it)
PEACE, today. All.
Thanks for the great comment Ruby. Once again reminding us that there is no one-size-fits all solution here.
Some bully bosses when they go into rage mode can’t hear anything and are best left alone in the moment. A discussion later will be heard better. But some react well to a person standing up for themselves in the moment. Depends on the level of anger and the particular wiring of both people I think. Unfortunately, to complicate the whole thing, there are also gender issues involved for some folks.
But I agree with you…if it rises to the level of abuse, then a person should do something about it. Even in thinking about this, though, there are personal levels to consider. What to can slide right off one person’s back might feel like abuse to another. In the end, each person has to decide for his or herself.
Thanks for adding good perspective. Oh…and as for blogging wars…if a person feels they are being slandered (as in the case above), I am all for them choosing to simply state their own position loud and clear should they be moved to do so. But if this escalates to the point where each is reading what the other says and then responding until it does become a war and that’s all they are thinking about, then I think all that energy can be applied to much more useful things. In this case, I didn’t get the sense of war as much as free speech. She says it just feels good to have her side known. But I do agree…war is not the answer.
Peace right back at ya, Ruby.