Short answer…NO!
Now for the longer answer. First, you have to choose whether or not you can live with this behavior. While you’d think a boss would feel bad about this and want to change (and of course some do and can), for other bosses this is just their SOP (standard operating procedure.) I’ve known bosses who say “Look. That’s who I am. Get over it.” And I’ve also known a few who think of it as a method of motivating and even toughening employees.
Fear certainly can motivate people - especially in the short term - but in the long run it’s not an effective management technique . The staff begins to withhold more and more creativity and settle into that gray place where they just do the work and hope not to be screamed at. Even if the boss mixes it with praise and rewards, in the end, people still prefer to avoid the pain.
So what are your choices? If this is really unsettling for you and you find yourself feeling stressed out way too often - or you simply prefer not to be in this kind of environment - you may have no choice but to polish up that resume and move on.
But what if you need to stay - or want to?
While there may be some situations where the behavior is part of an over-all pattern of abuse or discrimination, unless company policy explicitly forbids screaming at employees (don’t count on it) your boss can pretty much get away with it.
So what are your options?
First and foremost, do not be afraid to at least sit down with your boss and let him know gently and respectfully that you don’t enjoy being yelled at and would prefer if he could talk to you at another time when he’s calmer. I know this is hard - especially with a scary boss- but it happened to me once.
I was in charge of a huge project and we were under tight deadline. We were in a large meeting discussing the design of a major component of the project. To my surprise, my boss was trying to change the design right there in the meeting. I tried to move it back in the direction we’d all agreed upon. Next thing I knew, I was being yelled at by a master yeller who wanted to make sure the design went his way - even though he had never given me any advance notice this attack was coming. He decided right there in that meeting to undo what we’d been working on and he didn’t want me to get in the way. “I want you to shut up!” he screamed at me. And I was leading the meeting!
Understandably I was upset by his tactics and the screaming. After he had cooled off (me too), I met with him privately and told him calmly and respectfully that I do not want to be screamed at again - especially in public as was his SOP with everyone. And even though my boss terrified people in our department - as well as in the rest of the company - he listened, looked sheepish, and never again yelled at me. Our working relationship actually improved after that.
Oh…I still wound up leaving the job after the project was done since I don’t enjoy that kind of atmosphere - even if I’m spared the attacks. But for the time I was there, at least things were better for me. Interestingly enough, despite the public knowledge of my success, not one other person even tried to sit down with him and address the issue as I had done. Intimidation is a powerful tool for controlling behavior - but not a tool that keeps the workplace humming.
What else can you do if your boss is a Screaming Mimi - or Screaming Michael? If it’s a performance issue, you can try to figure out what sets her/him off and specifically ask your boss how you can improve. It’s important to let him know you want to do well and will try your best. And again, it helps just to let him know that you really would like to find a way for the two of you to work together without the yelling. It won’t stop an uncontrollable behavior, but it adds awareness and might help him learn to back off a bit. Remember…this stuff takes time. You could even ask him if there is something you could do - some signal or word - that would help him when he feels like yelling. You’d be surprised how many bosses might at least be open to talking about all this.
And yes…I know there are those who aren’t open at all, since the screaming is about a controlling personality who may not appreciate any challenge. But considering how all this is affecting you - and maybe eventually your health - it’s sure worth a shot.
If others would like to join you, a few of you (not too many) might want to ask your boss for a meeting to discuss something. Then, again gently, address the screaming as directly as possible - with everyone contributing. Let your boss know that you understand why he might need to blow his stack sometimes and ask him how you can work together to try to bring down the level a bit.
If it’s really awful and there is someone higher up you can talk to without it looking like you are trying to go against your boss, maybe they can help. I know of one situation where someone’s boss was doing something that made her uncomfortable and so she spoke to her boss’ boss in confidence asking him to address it as a group concern, which he did. Her boss made an effort to change what he’d been doing. Of course, you have to be careful with this if you have a boss who will take it out on you.
You may have noticed I haven’t mentioned HR. If you know someone in HR you trust, asking their advice might be a good idea. But in many situations, if the boss is liked by the company, HR may not be your best ally and may even leak your concerns directly to the boss. It would be better to have gone to him first. But if the behavior is threatening or intolerable, and your boss won’t even listen to your concerns, then HR may be worth trying. In a large enough company, they could even help you look for a transfer.
But, if you’ve tried your best and your boss still needs to erupt like Vesuvius, then it’s important to look at what else you can do. Since you basically can’t change a person’s basic behavior unless the person is willing to participate in the change, you might need to think about how you handle the screaming when it happens. This is not a time to try to talk or argue - that just feeds the anger. Just listen. It’s like a fit. Listen respectfully, let the yelling pass and get away as soon as possible. Save any talking for calmer times.
Of course, there are some people who scream as a way of communicating and I guess a lot rests in how we react. A friend of mine worked in an auto repair shop where the boss was an energetic Italian man who yelled a lot. I asked my friend how she could stand it. She just smiled and said “It’s just like my Italian family at home. He’s not really mad at me. It’s just how he talks.” For her, it was ok.
Still, no one should have to put up with a boss who screams all the time. But if for whatever reason you have to stay where you are and you have one of those bosses who make a habit of yelling at everyone, your best choices are to try to work it out with your boss, to stay out of his attack site as much as possible, and to learn as best as possible to let it go rather than taking it personally. Even if you made a mistake, you don’t deserve to be yelled at. In this case, it’s him, not you.
18 responses so far ↓
1 Alvin // Feb 8, 2007 at 8:19 pm
I guess all bosses should know that managing their employees is like managing kids. Never ever yell at them, especially in the public. They will end up either moving away from this yelling boss, or stay there as a statue…. as in never dare to speak out or contribute much.
Just look at a child who always get yelled at by his parents in the public. The child will either become rebellious and never listen, or the child will end up being very quiet.
Anyway for me, i had a boss who was nice but always raise his voice on the team. I got tired of this…. and as i was preparing my resignation letter, i “raised my tone a little” once when he raised his….and surprisingly, that shut him off. I know it’s not a good way…but heck, I did feel good after that.
Well, I left a few weeks later…not because of him, but the company itself.
2 SurfaceEarth // Feb 11, 2007 at 6:50 pm
Very astute. In many situations, we wish for a step by step plan, being mentally armed can change the balance. The issue is always knowing what you will accept, which means knowing your center. What is the end goal? Is it to get through the momenet? Is it a battle of ego where your very self is being attacked? No one, no one can ever have that power when you know at the essence who you are.
The scenario, the very too real scenario though, deals with an imbalance of power. Who is being yelled at? A single mother with three kids at home? Children with special needs? Aging parents? Someone who has taken all of their energy just to walk in the door?
It should matter, but for some reason it doesn’t to the one doing the yelling, I find they are too self-focused and can only see it their way, there is no easy way to open the blinders of their vision.
3 Ronnie Ann // Feb 11, 2007 at 10:44 pm
Alvin - LOL. Thanks for the comment. Sometimes a person has to stand up for himself. As long as you weren’t rude and left without burning a bridge behind you, nothing wrong with showing a little backbone. And sometimes…well, you just gotta do what ya gotta do. I’ve left one or two singe bridges in my youth. (-;
SurfaceEarth - I appreciate the questions you’re asking. It’s so true that when someone is yelling he rarely stops to consider the yellee’s personal situation. He yells because it’s what HE needs to do. And because he has the power to do so. (Or she, of course.)
I’m also glad you brought up the idea of a person’s “center”. Zen Buddhism (and I’m sure many other thought systems) talks of balancing (centering) oneself so that no matter how strong the wind blows (or how loud someone yells), we still know who we are and that gives us strength. How a person treats us can’t take that away from us. When the center is strong, even when the wind blows hard and we bend way way back, we can still stand straight and strong after the storm has passed.
Not that this is always easy to attain. But it reminds us that even if a boss decides to vent his own imbalance in our direction - while we can’t change what he’s doing - at least we can work on how we react and how deeply we let it affect us. Like I said…not easy, but no reason to let a big blowhard bring you down with him!
4 SurfaceEarth // Feb 12, 2007 at 11:15 am
I like the visual, it says what words can’t. Practically it is more than extremely difficult to be compelled to stay in a situation where a boss “yells”. The ultimate goal would be to preserve yourself and look to somehow better your daily environment by transferring out of his or her department or by finding a new alternative for work. Easier said than done.
5 Ronnie Ann // Feb 12, 2007 at 11:32 am
Nicely put. Of course, if you must stay for whatever reason, it still helps to try to better the environment in some way for yourself because that changes the balance. If it’s just about a yelling boss, than the day is 100% misery. If it’s about a yelling boss and some things you enjoy doing and some people you enjoy working with, well…the whole becomes a bit less oppressive. And again, different people have different levels of tolerance. I hate yelling, but the friend I mentioned finds it ok and even gives it right back. No one-size-fits-all solution for sure.
But if at all possible, I still recommend approaching the boss in some way and making your feelings known as directly as possible - with respect and with strength of conviction. It’s always worth a shot. If that winds up leading to more harassment, then you need to think about leaving (and possibly reporting it) since it is abuse.
6 SurfaceEarth // Feb 12, 2007 at 6:21 pm
Shame isn’t it? When the lack of self-growth affects others negatively? Sure he may also capitalize on the unspoken, ugly word ‘retaliaton’. Now that’s a pre-judgment on my part, I think, although I would rather call it a fairly certain forecast.
7 kristen king // Feb 20, 2007 at 1:45 pm
well i guess this article wants everyone to feel like it is their fault that their boss yells at them and want us to change ourselves when we have done nothing wrong but be yelled at for no apparent reason but to our bosses so if you take their advice your in for the long haul get it on tape and sue his ass off
8 Ronnie Ann // Feb 20, 2007 at 1:56 pm
I can understand why you might feel that way, Kristen. But that is definitely not the message I want to convey…so I’m glad you brought up the idea. After many years and many jobs where I had good bosses and bad ones, I finally realized I wasn’t getting anywhere by being “right”. I had to learn how to work within the system and figure out how to make it work for me the best I could. And there are real ways to make things better for yourself. By the way…When I talk about “changing yourself”, I don’t mean as a person - I mean figuring out ways to help things work more smoothly for yourself. I actually found these methods got me a lot further than waiting for my boss to “get it”.
That said…if the situation is truly abusive, I fully support taking action. No boss should yell at you all the time and if that is your situation and you’ve tried to address it professionally first (for the sake of your career and for any lawsuit), then you need to either bring it to a higher level or move on.
I hope you haven’t had to go through this. But I sure have and had the best laugh, because after dealing with it as my post explained, I left in good standing, became a consultant to the company, and charged about double. Now I think that’s the best revenge. (-;
9 Ronnie Ann // Feb 20, 2007 at 2:11 pm
One more thought…and I think it’s a biggie.
Taking responsibility is not the same as taking blame. We can wait forever in our job or personal life for people to start to act the way we want them to and treat us the way we know we deserve, but a more powerful and life-changing approach is to roll up your sleeves, think about anything you can do to help make things a little better for yourself, and then take positive action. Changing that perspective and letting go of the blame for others (easier said than done but worth it) will change your life.
Hint: You would finally be carrying yourself as someone who deserves to be in charge. As time goes on, others will get that message and so will you on a deep level. Eventually you will be in charge with people supporting you this time. It really is up to you in the long run. And how you handle even a crappy situation is part of getting you there.
10 Sue Stanton // Jul 28, 2007 at 11:40 am
Simply put, the boss is not going to get the personal best out of his employees if he uses this yelling tactic. Maybe there is some sort of personal stress a boss/manager has and he does not know how to deal with it other than lunging out at the closest ones too him. After all, they are human beings with emotions and stress like the rest of us. Maybe someone yells at the boss/manager. When anyone yells at us and we do not resolve the initial trouble we are most likely to yell at someone else at a later time. It is similar to an abuse cycle. The boss yells at the employee. The employee goes home and yells at the wife/husband. The wife/husband yell at the kids. The kids yell at the pets or friends and so on and so on. I think a good boss/manager should be required to take a stress management course and learn this matter.
11 Ronnie Ann // Jul 28, 2007 at 11:52 am
You are so right, Sue. Unfortunately, there is no way to mandate that. I wish there were. It would be a nice campaign to initiate!
12 Traina V // Jan 12, 2008 at 1:51 pm
I work under a gorgeous European boss in hightech. She thinks it’s fantastic if she screams, cries, laughs, raves, as it’s very motivating to others. She says it’s her passionate nationality & has her European boss convinced this is related to her nationality.. Especially the surreal & irrational screaming in meetings. She’s very proud of herself. She’s very self-satisfied that she never watches TV, so she’s never seen the Jerry Springer Show, or Cops…so she doesn’t know she’s exactly acting like the drunk prostitutes raving on PCP getting wrestled to the ground by the cops–that us Americans see every night on TV.
Nobody volunteers to do anything for her, and everybody feigns ignorance, work overload to avoid helping her, so she has to vend out everything at about $100k unnecessary spending. The guys do enjoy it when she’s jiggling her boobs at them & trying to flirt up their cooperation, but they distract her by gushing over how many languages she knows, and sneak off. The last person before me, walked out without a word and never came back.
The corporation would rather keep the gorgeous European pet who doesn’t understand the business, hates computers & technology, gets angry at MS-Paint & Powerpoint, gets angry at anybody who discusses computers in meetings——why I don’t know.
13 Traina V // Jan 12, 2008 at 2:08 pm
I just saw a book on Amazon, “Slam & Scream”..about matching the agressive behavior: yelling or doorslamming. I wonder if it would work or not? I suspect since I’m not wildly pretty or exotic, just plain old whitebread female …I dont’ know if it’d work for me in the hightech workplace.
I did notice with my first husband, he was being really ugly & I’d tried EVERYTHING. I matched the behavior of his dad—act like a quiet but angry, very contemptuous boss—it did work with him. It was a huge strain, and eventually I was able to realize I needed to leave.
14 Ronnie Ann // Jan 12, 2008 at 2:39 pm
Uch. I’m so sorry, Traina V. that you have to work in this kind of environment! Your last line says it all for me. Your behavior - whatever you choose to do - won’t change the other person. Either you can live with it without feeling stressed out all the time (some people can) or it might be a great motivation to move on to something better. This applies to personal lives as well as business.
Actually I’ve worked in IT and seen that kind of behavior before. It was in an investment bank. Took a while, but the charm wore off and the screaming person was eventually fired. But it took years and honestly…I wasn’t interested in subjecting myself to that and moved on. For the better.
Others decide to just see it as a quirky boss and do what they can to enjoy their jobs the best they can - meanwhile looking to see if there are other opportunities in the company or elsewhere.
No one can tell you what to do since it has to feel right to you, but I will suggest that matching her behavior (if that isn’t who you really are) probably won’t work for you in the end. I can’t possibly know how much real support she has from above, but it could be a long unpleasant battle. And I don’t think you have much to gain from it. Still, it’s your choice.
I will tell you that yelling at employees is accepted in some cultures, but it sure isn’t an effective way to manage. In the end, the boss just breaks employee spirit and loses good people who like to think for themselves!
Good luck whatever you decide. Please let us know.
15 Anna // Apr 13, 2008 at 2:09 am
Just don’t take personally. They scream because of stress. It took me almost 4 years to get used to the fact that when my boss screams he just releases the stress but now I don’t pay attantion as long as I know I didn’t do anything wrong. Later, when he calms down he tries to “make it up” and make me smile. He gets more angry if he sees I got upset. Be respectful and don’t answer back until he calms down.
16 Ronnie Ann // Apr 13, 2008 at 11:59 am
Ah…you’ve discovered one of the keys to sanity at work. When someone is screaming at you, most of the time it’s not about you at all - it’s about him or her! With a boss who lets his or her temper get the best of them, the best you can do at the moment is let them cool down. Confronting them while they are stuck in overdrive won’t get you anywhere. They can’t really hear you. As you say…best to wait until the person calms down.
Thank you so much for adding to the discussion Anna!
17 Sheila // Apr 13, 2008 at 3:18 pm
I just started working for a boss that screams, not yells, but screams at everyone. You have to walk on eggshells around him until you can figure out his mood. He did to me for the first time last week, and I calmly crossed my arms and leaned on his desk and told him “I know you are having a bad day, but don’t take it out on me.” He quickly calmed down and we walked out of the meeting laughing. However, he continues to scream at everyone, I’m positive it’s only a matter of time before I get it again.
I am keeping a detailed notebook of his behavior and will turn it over to corporate so they can understand why their place of business is like a revolving door. If that does not help, I will sue the company for pain and suffering. There should be a law about being treated poorly, just like sexual harassment.
I am worried everyday I walk in there and stress out because of this guy. But my husband works there too and he was hired and contracted here, so he could lose his job if I walk. Not sure how much longer I can keep my cool. I am not the type of person to just sit back and take it. I will react and it is only a matter of time.
18 Ronnie Ann // Apr 13, 2008 at 4:01 pm
Hi Sheila!
Here’s the problem with anyone who runs a blog trying to offer advice from a distance: each case has it’s own unique players and circumstances! I appreciate you sharing your own story with us.
Sounds like you did exactly the right thing when he blew his stack. You didn’t escalate and actually managed to calm things down. But you are also wisely staying aware and documenting. There are bosses who lose their temper a lot, but it sounds like yours is WAAAY over the line. This guy probably needs real anger management help.
I understand that you don’t want to jeopardize your husband’s job, but this kind of stress is not healthy for anyone. Your story reminds me of a boss I had who was a screamer - and the company knew it and was fine about it. In fact, he’s been promoted several times since I worked for him. Sigh.
He once yelled at me and told me to shut up in a key planning meeting I had called and was running! Since I didn’t want to scream at him (that’s a no win game), I calmly pushed my chair away from the table, told everyone with a smile that I wasn’t feeling well, and left the room. I stayed home the next day (Friday). When I returned on Monday he apologized profusely. I calmly made sure he understood that I think that’s not the best way to motivate people and, although I couldn’t control him yelling at others (he admitted he had a temper problem), I wasn’t going to accept that for myself. I left about 3 months later because I don’t like working in environments like that - but he never yelled at me again (although he did come close a few times). Unfortunately this is a deeper problem he needs to address for himself and just wanting to change isn’t enough. I would guess the same is true for your boss.
I would hope that your husband’s job is not really contingent on you staying there. If you can, please make sure that’s really the case before resigning yourself to not resigning.
But if you do want to stay, maybe another talk would help. You could ask if you could talk to him privately and then calmly tell him you understand tempers sometimes flare, but also let him know it makes you uncomfortable wondering when you’ll get yelled at next. A smile here would be good to diffuse any tension. Just be real and approach it with an honest desire to make it work for both of you. You’d like to know his ideas for ways that you could help keep yourself out of the line of fire. Maybe if you can subtly get him to admit and talk about these screaming fits, he might start to think of ways to at least keep them more in check.
OH…I know people out there are screaming at me saying there’s no way he will change. Probably not. As I said, it’s core stuff and just wanting isn’t going to stop the behavior. But if you can’t stand it and if you are feeling trapped, I would guess it’s better for you to approach it positively and at least try carving out some breathing room for yourself. Just a thought. Up to you of course. Only you know how approachable this guy is!
But if you are worried this could lose both of your jobs, and you don’t feel you can approach Human Resources for help (sometimes they help, but sometimes they only try to pacify you), then your best bet as long as you stay there is to work on ways for YOU not to blow your cool. Breathing exercises and meditation are useful for lowering your own boiling point.
Something else that you might want to try is visualizing scenes between you and your boss again and again. At first, let yourself blow all the way! Then try doing it again, handling it differently. Keep practicing that visualization, allowing him to just be who he is and remembering it has nothing to do with you. Like Mount St. Helens, he will blow when he needs to and all you can do is back off from the hot lava flow. In fact, you might try imagining his face on a volcano. He blows. You back off. Maybe it will help.
Other than that, all I can say is good luck. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. I always wonder how these bosses live with themselves. Remember…when they go home, they are still there. It always makes me feel better to know I don’t have to be there with them!
I wish you all the best, Sheila. Please let us know what happens. Maybe your advice can help others.
Ronnie Ann
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