Short answer…NO!
Now for the longer answer. First, you have to choose whether or not you can live with this behavior. While you’d think a boss would feel bad about this and want to change (and of course some do and can), for other bosses this is just their SOP (standard operating procedure.) I’ve known bosses who say “Look. That’s who I am. Get over it.” And I’ve also known a few who think of it as a method of motivating and even toughening employees.
Fear certainly can motivate people – especially in the short term – but in the long run it’s not an effective management technique . The staff begins to withhold more and more creativity and settle into that gray place where they just do the work and hope not to be screamed at. Even if the boss mixes it with praise and rewards, in the end, people still prefer to avoid the pain.
So what are your choices? If this is really unsettling for you and you find yourself feeling stressed out way too often – or you simply prefer not to be in this kind of environment – you may have no choice but to polish up that resume and move on.
But what if you need to stay – or want to?
While there may be some situations where the behavior is part of an over-all pattern of abuse or discrimination, unless company policy explicitly forbids screaming at employees (don’t count on it) your boss can pretty much get away with it.
So what are your options?
First and foremost, do not be afraid to at least sit down with your boss and let him know gently and respectfully that you don’t enjoy being yelled at and would prefer if he could talk to you at another time when he’s calmer. I know this is hard – especially with a scary boss- but it happened to me once.
I was in charge of a huge project and we were under tight deadline. We were in a large meeting discussing the design of a major component of the project. To my surprise, my boss was trying to change the design right there in the meeting. I tried to move it back in the direction we’d all agreed upon. Next thing I knew, I was being yelled at by a master yeller who wanted to make sure the design went his way – even though he had never given me any advance notice this attack was coming. He decided right there in that meeting to undo what we’d been working on and he didn’t want me to get in the way. “I want you to shut up!” he screamed at me. And I was leading the meeting!
Understandably I was upset by his tactics and the screaming. After he had cooled off (me too), I met with him privately and told him calmly and respectfully that I do not want to be screamed at again – especially in public as was his SOP with everyone. And even though my boss terrified people in our department – as well as in the rest of the company – he listened, looked sheepish, and never again yelled at me. Our working relationship actually improved after that.
Oh…I still wound up leaving the job after the project was done since I don’t enjoy that kind of atmosphere – even if I’m spared the attacks. But for the time I was there, at least things were better for me. Interestingly enough, despite the public knowledge of my success, not one other person even tried to sit down with him and address the issue as I had done. Intimidation is a powerful tool for controlling behavior – but not a tool that keeps the workplace humming.
What else can you do if your boss is a Screaming Mimi – or Screaming Michael? If it’s a performance issue, you can try to figure out what sets her/him off and specifically ask your boss how you can improve. It’s important to let him know you want to do well and will try your best. And again, it helps just to let him know that you really would like to find a way for the two of you to work together without the yelling. It won’t stop an uncontrollable behavior, but it adds awareness and might help him learn to back off a bit. Remember…this stuff takes time. You could even ask him if there is something you could do – some signal or word – that would help him when he feels like yelling. You’d be surprised how many bosses might at least be open to talking about all this.
And yes…I know there are those who aren’t open at all, since the screaming is about a controlling personality who may not appreciate any challenge. But considering how all this is affecting you – and maybe eventually your health – it’s sure worth a shot.
If others would like to join you, a few of you (not too many) might want to ask your boss for a meeting to discuss something. Then, again gently, address the screaming as directly as possible – with everyone contributing. Let your boss know that you understand why he might need to blow his stack sometimes and ask him how you can work together to try to bring down the level a bit.
If it’s really awful and there is someone higher up you can talk to without it looking like you are trying to go against your boss, maybe they can help. I know of one situation where someone’s boss was doing something that made her uncomfortable and so she spoke to her boss’ boss in confidence asking him to address it as a group concern, which he did. Her boss made an effort to change what he’d been doing. Of course, you have to be careful with this if you have a boss who will take it out on you.
You may have noticed I haven’t mentioned HR. If you know someone in HR you trust, asking their advice might be a good idea. But in many situations, if the boss is liked by the company, HR may not be your best ally and may even leak your concerns directly to the boss. It would be better to have gone to him first. But if the behavior is threatening or intolerable, and your boss won’t even listen to your concerns, then HR may be worth trying. In a large enough company, they could even help you look for a transfer.
But, if you’ve tried your best and your boss still needs to erupt like Vesuvius, then it’s important to look at what else you can do. Since you basically can’t change a person’s basic behavior unless the person is willing to participate in the change, you might need to think about how you handle the screaming when it happens. This is not a time to try to talk or argue – that just feeds the anger. Just listen. It’s like a fit. Listen respectfully, let the yelling pass and get away as soon as possible. Save any talking for calmer times.
Of course, there are some people who scream as a way of communicating and I guess a lot rests in how we react. A friend of mine worked in an auto repair shop where the boss was an energetic Italian man who yelled a lot. I asked my friend how she could stand it. She just smiled and said “It’s just like my Italian family at home. He’s not really mad at me. It’s just how he talks.” For her, it was ok.
Still, no one should have to put up with a boss who screams all the time. But if for whatever reason you have to stay where you are and you have one of those bosses who make a habit of yelling at everyone, your best choices are to try to work it out with your boss, to stay out of his attack site as much as possible, and to learn as best as possible to let it go rather than taking it personally. Even if you made a mistake, you don’t deserve to be yelled at. In this case, it’s him, not you.
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New Work Coach Cafe Policy:
Although I had to stop answering individual questions (to preserve my sanity), as always your thoughts and stories are VERY welcome here.
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I decided it was time to move on. The new boss arrived on the scene and it didn’t take anytime at all for him to set the stage for one screaming session after another. The first time he attacked me I was on the floor (manufacturing plant) supervising my crew. Before learning any facts he was in my face shouting at the top of his lungs for not having the line up and running. What he didn’t know was I had stayed late the night before to ensure I was prepared in the morning. Another department failed to supply us with the needed product to run so it was out of my control. Of course he never apologized and tried to avert the blame my way regardless. The morale of my team was crushed as well as mine. I was going to leave but decided to give it time. Big mistake! He did this with my immediate supervisor as well as she in turn picked up his method of operation. When I complained about a breach of company policy by other members of the plant regarding an emergency incident which had impact upon my department they both hit me full force with screaming (which included using the F word), public beratement,etc. I’m talking right up to your face and screaming as loud as possible in your ear. Even though the thought of resigning still hadn’t registered in my mind, my mouth somehow uttered the words. I will never give a boss who would do this once, another chance. Leopards never change their spots. Best to move on if it ever happens to you. Just my opinion.
I came across this article today as I was trying to find a way to deal with a boss who is constantly moody and screams at everyone.
Today it was my turn. Not my first time mind you but it is the first time I was nearly in tears. Yes I was at fault too and I am a grown up enough to admit that I made a mistake in my work. I refuse however to take 100% blame because as a superior, it is part of his job to review my work and where he didn’t do so and provided misleading directions to start with, I truly believe that he shares the blame with me.
I guess I misstepped because I tried to defend myself and that’s why he blew up even more. Even now just thinking about it makes me want to cry again. I am trying to think of the best way to tell him how unsettling it is but I don’t know how and when I will have the courage to do so.
Anyways just wanted to thank you for the article. It gives me hope.
In my last job, it was actually the person who was in charge of HR who’d scream at the top of her lungs. A total drama queen who would stop answering your ‘hi’ and ‘good morning’ when she finds out that you have your own thoughts and mind and can’t be controlled by her.
Hi JO BO! I am soooo sorry you had to go through this. But congratulations on having great instincts. Sometimes no matter what our logical (and not always accurate) brain tells us, our better instincts step in to save us. I wish you much luck!
Glad to offer you hope Actually Cried – although I’d also like to give your boss a piece of my mind! May you find a job and boss that appreciates who you are. No one deserves to be treated this way. Ever. But unfortunately people with personality flaws all too often get to be bosses. Good luck finding a job and boss you truly deserve.
Thanks for adding to the conversation, Jay! Amazing that HR folks can get away with that. But sadly it’s not uncommon. Glad you found a way out. Best of luck in your new job!!
To all the bosses out there:
I believe Lord Acton said “All power tends to corrupt and absolute power corrupts absolutely.” It’s a great responsibility to be in a position of power over others, such as when you are a boss or even a supervisor.
Even if you’re doing your very best and still feel the frustration creeping up on you, please remember that shouting is not a management skill – it’s something you do when you feel powerless. If you feel the urge to yell…excuse yourself, go back to your office, shut the door, breathe deeply, count to 10 or 20 or 100, and then think about how to best get your point across in a way that can be received by the other person(s) in a non-fear state (which actually doesn’t allow them to hear you well at all.)
I know all too well how hard it can be some days for a manager, but really…although with some employees it might take a while…you’ll get back what you give many times over. Remember that all employees respond to what they observe, even if they aren’t the target – and simply keeping them in a fear state will not get you the pest efficiency or productivity in the long run.
And if they can’t do the job and you’ve tried your best…please don’t torture them. People who might not seem good in one job, can excel in others (either within the same company or elsewhere); I’ve seen it. If you can’t find a solution that works for you, then end it for both your sakes and support them in finding their next job – hopefully a better match.
Finally…if you have a rage problem in general (many folks do), please just admit it and get help. You’ll be amazed how many parts of your life this will improve – and how differently people will treat and respect you!
Thanks for listening.
~ Ronnie Ann
yes a yelling angry supervisor is what I have he treats everyone the same .He gets so angry that you take a step away from him.Ive had it with him and the owner knows and does nothing.The only thing to do is hold my head uo and go look for new employment.To bad because I love all of the other people I work with .
Sad in Vancouver giving my notice !!!
Hi jojo5555!
I’m so sorry you’ve had to put up with that. I had that once and did exactly what you’re doing. And I never looked back. If the top boss and/or HR won’t do anything, then it’s up to you. Congratulations on a smart move. While I know you’ll miss your co-workers, I hope they get the same courage to do what you’re doing.
Just make sure you have good references and, when you do interview explain that you moved on because you are looking for more opportunity or some such thing (and not because of the terrible boss.) Keep it positive and leave the crappy stuff behind you.
Good luck finding a great new job and great new co-workers!
~ Ronnie Ann
My boss is the owner of the company and gets so ticked off about every thing. If any of you have ever seen that two year old kid that throws a temper tantrum in the middle of the store because mom won’t buy him any candy that’s him. I have been working at this job for 2 1/2 months and I recently put an invoice on his desk because I was not sure how he wanted it entered. He was so ticked that it was on his desk that he took the “posted” stamp and stamped it so hard while yelling and screaming about it that I swear his monitor jumped 6 inches off his desk. This was not the first tantrum I have witnessed. Every day he complains about how stupid all his employees are and how stupid all the vendors are. I am very good at my job but he has a certain way he wants every thing done but if you ask him a question so you do it to his specifications he gets ticked. The other employee I work with is so gun shy that he just keeps making mistakes because he is afraid to ask a question. The problem is that the employees are not stupid they just don’t want to talk to him to see how he wants something done because they are afraid of getting reamed. I will be talking to a customer on the phone and I have to muffle the phone so they can’t hear him yelling f this and f that and he actually throws things around the office. I feel like building a cage around my desk. Time to start looking for a new job again. I can’t handle the every day stress of this place. He has another company that the comptroller is leaving and so far the first guy they hired lasted 1 week, the second girl left for lunch on the third day and didn’t return. He doesn’t have direct contact with this person but the stress level of every one else is so high that the new person just can’t handle it.
Oh Tom! I feel for you…and everyone else that works for this tyrant. Wise words “Time to start looking for a new job again. I can’t handle the every day stress of this place. ” If it were me, I’d do the same.
No one deserves that treatment. I had a boss like that once (ok…more than once) and I do not consider that acceptable behavior on any level. And yet there are so many bosses like this out there. Grrrr! But thankfully there are also good ones.
As I can tell, you are seeing this in a clear and healthy manner as far. Good luck finding a human boss and a great new job, Tom! Please let us know how things turn out.
Hi
Recently I have faced some problems at work where the workplace from the beginning i found very stifling with a boss who had some irrational policies at times and expected them to be followed without questioning. The politics in the office was intense with lots of backbiting due to the insecurities amongst employees – the boss however welsomes the and those who do it are seen as loyal (who report every damn thing to the boss).
All this is actually fine, I have survived it all, however boss’s wife runs a company too – I call her the screaming banshee. Nobody says no to her. She wants things done at the snap of her two manicured fingers and you often find everyone scurrying around to get things done fast! cos of how much they fear her shrill screaming and insulting derogatory remarks. (“Don’t you have a brain???” “why aren’t you answering????”- asked when she looks at your work and shouts “what the hell have you done here??!”).
SO it came to a time when i repeatedly kept getting assigned her work and the stress was overwhelming the work itself is fast paced and honestly the nature of it is not something i liked at all (PR work). Although our boss has been approached with the problems employees face when working for his wife he rarely deals with it brushing it aside with a lame excuse such as ‘you need to toughen up’
Finally i went and told the management i no longer wanted to do that work since i didnt like the nature of work.
I found myself in the dog house.
I have put up with enough of nonsense at this workplace (including working with a friend which ruined the friendship and not to mention how much of the company mascot she became, and although a lot better now there manifests in here quite a few complexes still – even after many promotions.
Its all too much. does anyone have a take on this? I for one am looking for jobs.
Hi TIN!
I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with all this for as long as you have. It sounds horrible. I’ve had a couple of screaming banshee bosses myself, but my choice in each case was to start looking and just do my best until I could get out. It was much easier to smile once I made the decision to leave.
Since it seems like you have nowhere (and no one) to turn to in the company, your thoughts about leaving sound wise – at least worth looking to see what’s out there. And remember when you interview…it’s about finding a better opportunity and NOT how bad the current company is. Dirty laundry stays behind…you move forward.
I wish you much luck finding a better job soon!
Today, I was screamed at by one of the assistant managers. For me it was the last straw in what has been several weeks of verbal harassment. Every time I have worked with her has been unpleasant and she takes pains to only do it when one of the other managers is not around. A couple of weeks ago she belittled me and ordered me to do a series of unpleasant tasks after I disagreed with her. Earlier this week I came into the store in my off-time to make a purchase. When I asked her a question she ignored me. When I got home today after being screamed at by her I did make an anonymous complaint. I plan on making at least one more for the other incidents. I don’t feel that I can go directly to the head manager because the assistant manger is a favorite of hers. So I feel that making an anon complaint is my only avenue. I hope I don’t get fired.
Hi Upset and Angry,
I can see why you feel that way. So sorry. No one deserves to be treated like this in the workplace or anywhere else. I hope your anonymous complaint doesn’t get pinned on you. But I like that you’re looking for a way to stand up for yourself.
While I understand why you don’t want to go to the manager, sometimes there isn’t much else to do. You have a right to speak with her and ask for advice, saying you really want to do a good job and learn how to work with that particular assistant manager. Because the manager likes her, the best approach is not to attack or put the assistant manager down, but to look for practical advice and solutions. If you get a cold shoulder from the manager or the assistant manager is even harder on you afterward, it is probably time to move on. In fact, no matter how bad the economy is, I’d be looking for another job right now, just in case. You shouldn’t have to fear your workplace!
Good luck.
Screaming starts at the top in the company i work for and it funnels down through various management areas. It is a daily/weekly occurence. As the old adage tells us, shit rolls downhill. The aforementioned Fear certainly can motivate people – especially in the short term – but in the long run it’s not an effective management technique . The staff begins to withhold more and more creativity and settle into that gray place where they just do the work and hope not to be screamed at. Even if the boss mixes it with praise and rewards, in the end, people still prefer to avoid the pain. The culture in the company i work for is exhausting and stressful. It has put me into a state of depression : (
Hi jay!
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this kind of workplace environment. You said it so well…it kills creativity. And your point about your company, where it starts at the top, leaves little room for change. Unless the boss realizes that change has to start at the top.
Hope at some point you can find a place that is better at treating its employees with respect. Even if you can’t change yet, now is as good a time as any to start seeing what’s out there and thinking about how you might get to something you would enjoy.
I wish you all the best!
I have been in this job for about 12 years. and have been through several Head Chefs. i’ts food Service. THis current one is 48 years old and yells, screams, slams and kicks product all around the kitchen. He seems only to talk to the Male Chefs and ignores the female Pastry Chef and Dining Room Manager. He only acknowledges them when he wants to complain or put them down.
THe first week in December he came to work complaining of Chest pains. He demanded to be driven to a private hospital 20 minutes away instead of the Emergency Hospital 5 Minutes down the road.
In any case, He had was is known as the WIdow Maker blockage. 90 Percent. After two stents in his heart. and a couple of weeks bed rest he is back at work…And while not yelling as much…He is still hard at work finding problems with those employees he does’nt like. Mainly the Women. He is ignoreing any issues with the Male Chefs. Needless to say, THe women who once were proud of their work. are now doubting themselves and panicking about how they will survive this Chefs Behavior to them. And finding another job rigt now that pays decently is hard to come by… So that’s My story..
PS> I’m one of the women.Who this Chef refers to as “Evil” He is European trained and does’nt
believe women belong in a professional kitchen.. only Men… Women should only look pretty and be in the front of the house.
I really appreciate that you shared your story with us. My guess is there are many many people out there who can relate. And many women in the food industry with the same story.
I’m so sorry you or anyone has to put up with such abuse in the workplace. There is nothing to justify his behavior and ignorance. It certainly doers not get the best out of his female workers – and it also probably instills a fearful self-censorship in the males, even if they seem to be treated better. The one hopeful thing I see in your words is that there could be another head chef in your future since this is a position with turnover and you have outlasted them all.
It’s a shame that a group of you can’t go to the chef’s boss and bring his abusive treatment into the light. Or go right to him, tell him all together that your goal is to support him as strongly as possible, but you would also like his respect in return since you are doing your best. But as someone who has had some experience with food service (and watched too much of Chef Ramsey), I know this is not the only food industry place where such verbal abuse takes place. And I know prejudice is deep.
If you are unable to speak up / stand up for yourselves and if changing jobs is not possible right now, then I can only wish you that he finds a new job in the new year and a better boss takes his place. Would it be wrong for me to suggest you send his resume to other companies and hope for a win-win?
Please tell your fellow workers I am rooting for a miracle like with Scrooge in A Christmas Carol. And please also tell them not to forget how good they are. Just because he’s a prejudiced bully, doesn’t change who any of you are at the core. It’s about him, not you. If all of you can remember that, even when he’s yelling, then you can get through the day just a little easier.
I wish you all the best, Tyler. Here’s wishing for a much better 2012!