I totally feel for you. There’s almost nothing worse than doing a good job, trying everything you can to make things work, and still not getting the respect you deserve.

It’s a little like having a parent who, no matter what you do or how much you accomplish, still treats you like The Baby.

I respect how much you’ve done to try to make this work. The tips in this post are only helpful to the point that the boss is willing to bend a little or at least give value to the points you’re making. In this case, your boss may be closed to any change on his part; and, wish until the cows turn blue, he will never be the way you want him to be.

Since you’ve already tried pretty much everything a person can do, you have two basic choices: to stay or to leave.

If you choose to stay, and assuming there’s no way to get to another boss, you’ll just have to accept that this is who he is and stop waiting for him to be different. If there is enough satisfaction from your job itself and the respect of your co-workers, then really think about how you are letting your boss’s reactions color your experience there.

Oh…not that I don’t understand why you feel this way. Just think about whether you could find a way to lessen the impact of his behavior. In other words…this is who he is and he has to live with himself forever; but is there any way you can learn to just say “Oh well, that’s him!” and let the lack of appreciation slide by you, focusing instead on all the accolades you get from others? (If we can’t change others – and we rarely can – how much can we change what we focus on? You might want to read my August 18th post on zen and the workplace.)

Now if you really can’t take it any more, you might just have to look elsewhere. The old saying about not being a prophet in your own land may apply. Sometimes in our careers, as much as we might not want to do it, we need to look elsewhere for the raise or promotion or, as in your case, the respect that you should be getting. At the very least, you could start to look and see what else is out there.

I’m not sure any of this was helpful, but I hope at least it gives you some new ways of looking at the situation. Please let us know what you decide to do and how it turns out!

Good luck!

Ronnie Ann

I graduated college 2.5 years ago with a BS in Design. I a job as a product designer the november after I graduated, so pretty much right out of college. I did have experience in retail, management, teaching design as well as producing it; so i wasn’t COMPLETELY new.

However, my boss apparently saw me as just an assistant designer, even though I am the company’s ONLY designer. It has been almost 2 years since I have been at this job, and he still treats me like an amateur. He trusts that I can do all my work, and get it done well… but he doesn’t not respect or appreciate me. He rarely listens to my opinions or comments, and constantly complains about stupid, non-important things to my co-workers. I approached him about this issue and he denied everything, basically pinning everything on my co-worker. However, he doesnt really understand that she and I are much closer and work/communicate the best of anybody else in this company. We trust and respect one another completely, so we know he’s lieing. Plus this isnt the first time this has happened.

Like I said before, I have confronted him and told him that I did not appreciate him talking behind my back, to let me know if there is a problem. But it continues to happen. I have even gone to the GM and stated I was confused as to where my future was with the company as I was feeling unappreciated, disrespected and not sure of possible future positions which I could work towards. The GM was very understanding and assured me he wanted me to stay. However, the next day I got chewed out by my boss… catch 22…

I guess my main problem is that I am treated like an amateur, get paid like an amateur and do the job of a 7 year experienced senior product designer. When you are the ONLY desinger… you do it ALL. And I’m trusted and told well at every review that I do my job well, and then some. So NOW what do I say? No conversation has brought me any closer to gaining the respect, appreciation or promotion I deserve.

I applaud how well you stood up for yourself. I think you did the right thing by giving your boss another chance, and admire that after you saw there was no way to make it work there, you took action and got yourself to a new team. Congratulations!

Basically, although there seem to be some things going on behind the scenes and one never knows what mischief the old boss can make, at this point your best course of action is to simply be the best member of the new team you can be. Focus on your job and don’t worry about the other stuff, since it’s out of your control anyway. Your new manager showed a willingness to give you a chance and, probably, a willingness to stand up despite all the background noise. That’s hopeful. If you’re good, s/he may be your best ally.

It might be a smart idea to sit down with your new boss and let him/her know how happy you are to be part of the new team and that you want to do the best job possible. Then you might ask for his/her help by letting you know how you are doing and, if anything comes up, please let you know right away. And then again, thank your new manager, and just get back to doing your best. This helps make sure you create an open communications channel with your new boss and also helps increase the chances that s/he will come to your defense if your old boss says anything.

As for your old boss, no matter what’s gone on between you, your best course of action at this point would be to simply smile and let it all go the best you can. Not for her sake, but for YOUR sake. No sense harboring ill will for someone else’s problems. And anyway…she did you a BIG favor. She got you to a better boss!

Good luck in the new team. I wish you all the best. Congratulations again for having the strength to stick up for yourself and get to a better place.

Ronnie Ann

I’m back just as I had promised. I finally managed to find a solution to my problem. I’ve switched teams. Sincerely hope that things work out for me in my new team. But first of all, let me tell you that I like your new website.

Try what may, my boss wouldn’t arrive at a consensus to resolve the miscommunication issues. Worser than that, she misquoted me to her manager. This came up when I was having a discussion with her manager about switching teams. When I spoke to her about this, she denied it all and went to the extent of saying that her manager might have been busy and misunderstood her. Then I told her that the three of us might have to sit down and talk to clarify things. She brushed it off.

After that, in two other incidents she put me in a fix by first giving me the wrong information and then by denying that. She even went to the extent of asking the HR Mgr to sack me. But the HR Mgr said that that was not possible as she had not been privy to our conversation. The HR Mgr kept advising me about communicating properly. But I could see that she had a difficult time as to whom to believe out of the two of us.

I decided enough was enough and told the HR Mgr and my boss’s manager that since I was only encountering problems with this one person, they should switch me over to another team. And I also told them that it would help me vindicate myself. But it looks like the lady has always been carrying tales to them about all the petty incidents that had happened in the team.

My boss’s manager did not totally accept that my boss was in the wrong. And she told me that I cannot be moved into another team that easily and may have to take a test [which is unheard of in team transfers for other employees like me in the organisation ]

All the same, I took the test last week and the mgr of the other team liked my work. And I’ve been moved to my new team this week.

I need your suggestions as to how I should conduct myself in my new team and with my previous boss from now on.

Thanks in advance.

Good luck with everything.

Ronnie Ann

Thanks for your GREAT comment on earning respect. You are so right that that’s the way it should be. It’s certainly the way I operate. I guess I was just trying to let people know how it really is in far too many situations. Your two cents much appreciated.

Your comment tells me you’ve thought about this from many angles and this really doesn’t sound like a good match for you. Not that I’m telling you to do this, but when I was in a job I couldn’t stand early in my career, I chose to get out anyway. Sometimes if you wait forever for the “right” job, the wrong one eats away at you in ways that don’t help you interview well.

It’s true, there is a corporate way and you may not be cut out for it. But not all corporations are exactly alike. You never know when another one might fit you better. And don’t forget non-profits (Idealist.org may have jobs in your area) or academia (if you’re near a local college or university, go to their website and see if there are openings).

Please keep trying. Sending out resumes is not enough. Network. Do some volunteer work that you care about. (Might get you to a non-profit job you never imagined.) Let everyone in your life and everyone you meet know you’re looking. Be creative in your search. And make it a fun thing – less time spent on thinking/talking about how bad your current job is (not that I’m saying YOU do that) and more time thinking about what you REALLY want and expressing how excited you are about finding something you could really sink your teeth into. I found some of my most interesting jobs this way.

I rarely say this, but…if you have the funds to afford it, maybe you’d consider letting your corporate job (while you have it) pay for a career/life coach. There must be some good ones in your area. Although they don’t have THE answers, they can help you see things you might be missing and help you set and follow goals towards what you really want. Why keep doing what’s not working?

Another idea – from my own files – is to save every single penny you can for the next 6 months and then let yourself do some lower-paying temp jobs, just to see what else is out there. It’s also a great way to be seen by other companies. If you are sharp and good at networking once you get in there, jobs often come your way. I’ve had that happen a few times.

Even after I had my MBA, when I wanted a change, sometimes I’d just go do temp work. (Also gave me a great amount of material for this blog.) A few times I turned a temp job into a full-time gig at a much higher level. I always smiled, did my job the best I could, let people know a little about what I really do, and looked for opportunities to arise. And they did. Not EVERY time. But often enough. (Of course, if the temp job sucked, I asked for a different one. But I always made sure I did my best.)

If any of that speaks to you….great. If not, I have a feeling you have enough creativity in you to find a solution.

Good luck!

Ronnie Ann

It sounds like ZJ and I are in a very similar situation, except I’m not in IT. My boss is constantly acting on whims and it seems like half the time I’ll be in the middle of something that seemed urgent, then it’s like, “what happened to this project?” it just floats off into thin air as another urgent whim takes priority, only to be abandoned a week later. Random seemingly important decisions are made without others’ involvement, and a myriad of other rage-inducing things I could elaborate on but won’t right now.

Point being, it seems that all of us at the company are miserable. I approach requests and interactions with a smile, and try to up the morale by baking things or bringing in snacks for everyone now and again. This guy’s the CEO so there is honestly no ‘waiting it out’ with this one.

It’s come down to my emotional wellbeing suffering, and I know I need to leave, but I’ve been sending resumes and interviewing for a year now and haven’t found anything that seems to suit me. I’m terrified of having another job that appears all happy-go-lucky during the interview, then is like a horrible trap once employed. Sometimes I actually daydream about working at a cafe for minimum wage so I could just be free of corporate clutches for awhile, but even full-time at a place like that wouldn’t pay enough for rent. I’m making a decent salary and I’m only a few years out of college with lots of executive-level responsibilities, but having those perks is truly not worth sacrificing happiness and mental health.

Also your statement “You earn respect in each new situation; it’s not due you.” I want to challenge it just a little bit! When I approach people, I generally give them respect unless they give me reason not to. I’ve encountered this whole “work your way up” “prove yourself” type mentality in the workplace and it makes me feel horrible. It’s like, “trust me, and if you thought I was competent enough to do a good job and hired me, continue that attitude after the fact.” That’s just my two cents though!

I’m so sorry you’re going through all this. Sounds like a really uncomfortable situation and I applaud you for trying to do something to make it better for yourself.

I think it would be fine to approach the Functional Head again, but first, if you are willing to give it one more shot (and of course only you know if this is even worth trying) you might try sitting down with your boss to discuss all this very openly. Remember to be calm and look her in the eyes when you speak to her. You are looking for a solution you both can live with.

If she starts right into blaming mode, just listen calmly and carefully to all her words until she is done. Then calmly thank her for explaining her point of view and tell her you understand how frustrating this must be to her – but it’s also frustrating to you, so you’d like to work with her to come up with a new way the two of you can work together to try to prevent misunderstanding in the future.

Part of what you would like from her from now on is for her to tell you exactly what she wants you to do, including any deadlines. (If she forgets, then you should make sure to ask these things yourself). And also explain that you prefer not to be yelled at any more. You will show her respect but you expect to be treated respectfully too. (Keep calm and continue to look her in the eyes when you say this.)

Also, if you think this would be ok, tell her you want to establish a temporary process where you get things in writing as well as in person and then you can e-mail her back any questions. This would be good for both of you, even though at first she may say this is too much extra work. Hopefully after a while, when you get to understand each other better, you wouldn’t need this any more. You can explain that to her too.

Try to come to an agreement you both can live with before leaving the room if at all possible. If not, ask for a follow-up meeting.

After the meeting, send her an e-mail detailing what was discussed as you saw it, asking her to correct anything you misunderstood. This way it’s all in writing.

Now I’m not saying this will work for sure. And maybe you can come up with your own variation of this, since only you know your particular circumstances. But if you can get her engaged in trying to fix things, than maybe the two of you can find a peaceful, more effective way to work together.

If you don’t want to even try again – and I can certainly understand that you might feel this way – then approaching the Functional Head again may be your only choice.

I wish you luck, issues@workplace! Please let us know how it goes.

Ronnie Ann